"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I see. What do you want me to do?" The patient implored, "Break my arms."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class period, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
As an English professor, my father would often write little notes on student essays. Often he worked late, and as the hours passed, his handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. McDonald," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." My father took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly."
Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
She was so blonde... She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'. She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.' She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.' She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test... and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train. She sold the car for gas money.
Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.” So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
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